Asylum for SyFy O.O
Deep in a mountain lair filled with lava, the demon Loki finishes an incantation to bring about Ragnarok
He appears on the surface world and attacks a matte painting of a castle/Valhalla, killing the guards who fight in the name of Odin
Elsewhere, Odin senses an evil day is at hand and rushes to find out what's going on, his sons in tow
Giant targs attack (WTF are these demon lizard-dogs?)
Odin speaks to the Norns. It's a countdown to Ragnarok. Loki is due the Hammer of Invincibility by the end of the day
Thor has snuck behind and defies Fate
Guards are gone, thanks to targs. Loki continues on to Valhalla. Valhalla prepares and closes the gates. Gates are no match to Loki and giant targs; he gets inside and calls for Odin while wreaking destruction.
Odin and sons arrive; sons take the left, Odin the centre, go after giant targs. Thor is needed for the finish
Fight starts - targs are no match for the Aesir. Thor goes down, though.
Odin vs Loki, FIGHT!.
Through illusion and trickery, Odin kills his eldest son, Nameless.
Loki backstabs, doing 1d8+5d6 damage. Odin throws away the Hammer, then begins to die.
Thor recovers. Gets Odin's dying words - get the Hammer.
Thor vs Loki, FIGHT! Words are more effective than Thor's sword techniques.
Thor gets help from Cloaked Woman; they run away. Loki sics the targs on them
Cloaked Woman is a servant of Odin but is Latina. Because that makes sense. She trains Thor. Because that also makes sense. DEEP HURTING! They escape the targ using a magic portal, arriving at a training camp. Cloaked Woman knows where the Hammer is, at the Tree of Life (Yggdrasil, but I doubt anyone can pronounce it in this movie).
Loki can hear where Thor is. Can't get by the protective barrier, can't see Thor.
Thor taught himself to fight, Cloaked Woman learned from the Valkyries. There is not enough time in the movie to teach him to fight properly.
Loki finds a portal to get closer; targs dig under the barrier.
Run away! Run away!
Scandinavia looks suspiciously like California...
New life growing despite destruction.
Loki catches up. Cloaked Woman dekes him out with illusion on her axe, then takes Thor through another portal, ending up in WTF? LA? What are you doing, movie? Might explain the Latina.
Thor stops a mugging.
Cloaked Woman dresses as the natives, then tries to get Thor to do the same. Teaches Thor how to use a pistol. Some explanation of humans but not of the movie, then they leave for the Tree of Life.
Loki arrives. He picks up Thor's trail. How? God visions? Finds the warehouse where Thor got his gun.
Cloaked Woman and Thor arrive at portal to the Tree of Life, which is hidden behind panelling. Thor summons the gateway. Arrival at Tree of Life, guarded by plate armour.
Thor vs Guardian, FIGHT! in the rain and thunder. Thor wins!
Hercules: The Legendary Journeys had better effects.
Finally, the Tree of Life. Only took over half the movie to get here.
Odin speaks through the tree to Thor, gives Hammer over. Hammer appears to Thor.
Thor thanks Tree and prays for strength. Gets Hammer.
Back to LA. Need to return to Asgard. Thor wants to face Loki; Cloaked Woman warns against it. Cloaked Woman wants to train Thor. Time to retrace steps back.
Thor vs Loki, round 2, FIGHT! Never fight fair against a rogue. Loki wins, almost takes Hammer, loses hand to Cloaked Woman (minor setback, hand grows back)
Loki whispers lies to Thor - Cloaked Woman wants the Hammer for herself.
Thor vs Loki, round 3, FIGHT! Except, no, illusions only.
Cloaked Woman wants to hide the Hammer until Thor is ready, even if it takes centuries.
Let's just shoehorn this romance in here despite almost no spark in the 54 preceding minutes.
Thor starts using his godly powers, finally. Tracks Loki. Loki appears, tempts Thor.
Thor vs Loki, round 3 for real, FIGHT! Thor has learned fighting techniques, despite no training at all since the last fight; gets Loki's wand. Thor goes to destroy wand, Loki says wand is the only way to bring back Odin and Nameless. Thor remembers Loki is a trickster. Loki appears to die at 58 minutes in.
Bone wand is cursed. Cloaked Woman tries to explain, but Thor is getting tired of making mistake after mistake.
Cloaked Woman grabs a sword to go find evidence that Loki is truly dead.
Thor uses bone wand to bring Odin back to life. Bone wand fails to work. Instead, smokes and summons Loki.
Cloaked Woman returns in time. Guns do not work on gods. The movie is now making up the narrative. There's no real link between commercial breaks.
Thor appears to gain wisdom. Background woman with stroller doesn't seem to notice there's a movie being filmed.
Loki brings giant targs to LA. Because that makes sense. Maybe to draw Thor out? Or just cause mayhem in LA?
Apparently Asgard's a goner. Thor wants to keep Midgard safe. Cloaked Woman vows to fight by Thor's side.
Loki catches up; summons more targs.
Thor vs Loki, round 4, FIGHT! Thor summons lightning. It's super effective. Thor uses Uzi. It's not effective.
Bonus fight, Cloaked Woman vs targs. Cloaked Woman wins, helps Thor with Loki.
Attempted escape via Gateway; Thor escapes, Cloaked Woman is grabbed by Loki.
Thor drink healing poition; returns back through Gateway. Find Cloaked Woman dying of wounds. Declarations of love. Keeps Cloaked Woman alive somehow.
Thor vs Loki, round 5, FIGHT! Loki wins, gets Hammer. Meanwhile, LAPD and LAFD deal with targs.
Cloaked Woman gives pep talk.
Loki gloats. Ragnarok is imminent. More gloating. Cloaked Woman sent to underworld. Loki is deserving his asswhupping. Thor sent to underworld.
Welcome to hell, but not Hel. Thor forges his own Hammer. Meanwhile, LA is getting destroyed by rampaging giant targs. Not quite what one expects out of Ragnarok.
Loki finds Tree of Life.
Loki vs Guardian, FIGHT! Loki uses bone wand. It's super effective.
Loki finds Tree of Life, starts killing it.
Thor finishes with Hammer.
Loki goes to LA to admire handiwork, adds to the destruction.
Thor returns to LA.
Thor vs Loki, round 6, FIGHT! It's Hammer time! Thor wins, finally. Crushes Loki. Targs run away.
Thor returns to Tree of Life, revives it.
Thor vs Norns, FIGHT! Thor smashes loom, destroys tapestry of Fate.
Thor - Cody Deal
Loki - Richard Grieco
Odin - Kevin Nash
Nameless (Baldir) - Jess Allen
Cloaked Woman (Jarnassa) - Patricia Valesquez
Norns - Nicole Fox, Leslea Fisher, Lauren Halperin