tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6464382918796251124.post1768045107202768392..comments2021-05-16T13:41:12.015-04:00Comments on The Chaos Beast: Beaver Flight Commentary - Chapter 11Scott Delahunthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735796666483741699noreply@blogger.comBlogger1125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6464382918796251124.post-39420161471259260442015-02-16T13:11:46.359-05:002015-02-16T13:11:46.359-05:00In terms of format, I think it's a question of...In terms of format, I think it's a question of intent. What is here can work as a novel, with some tightening up of earlier material, but it would be a sci-fi action/adventure piece. You seem to have been aiming for something more cerebral, or character driven. The last two parts actually feel a lot more in-line with the setup at the start, and like they should have come sooner (not later), whereas the discussions about coffee and Canada Day drag the momentum down. It makes me wonder why you were resisting the abduction, since you were already approaching the 50,000 words. In the end, the story is at war with itself: the external conflict is driving the plot, yet the internal conflicts are demanding equal time. And yes, the internal conflicts might work better as a serial.<br /><br />Also, don't sell yourself short - there was actually quite a bit between Tori's disappearance and this discovery, but it was the latter part of the previous chapter, mostly seen through Darcy's eyes. And there's nothing wrong with that. I do agree with the analysis for why Tori was chosen over Renee. In fact, if it HAD happened earlier, you might have had the extra angle of guilt from the others for treating her badly, or anger over her not following orders again; as it is, we've ended up with a "these things happen" affair.<br /><br />Your spam analogy is good (I didn't even know that about Quebec), and it does make sense that language would be a problem. It's not something we always think of (or hand wave away with a universal translator). I think it was handled well. It goes both ways too, "I should send you back without your vehicle" possibly translating to "push you out an airlock". And "What I have learned is that you like to talk" was amusing. As an aside, I thought the fact that Tori HAD a tongue was disgusting, like the invaders can talk without one - but then I guess their diction would suffer.<br /><br />Two quibbles, maybe three. First, while the uniforms worked, the rest of the setting suffered. I envisioned her in a cargo bay, or stasis chamber area, with maybe a bunch of other pods, but did it turn out to be a medical bay? Or a laboratory? When she finally stood up and had field of vision, what did she see? Or were the lights too bright still? The bathroom actually had more of a description. Second, from what we know of Tori - she seems TOO at ease with everything. Based on her initial giggle, I'm not sure if that's a coping mechanism or not, but in Chapter 9 she said "It's official. I miss home." You cannot GET further from home than she is, and she may NEVER be returning. But she spares no thoughts for Darcy, or family, there's no hint of regret for disobeying orders, no flashback to Roo 4, no concern, she's just "okay, first contact, let's do this". As I say, could be a coping mechanism, but the fact that she's making demands makes me think she doesn't really care if they put her into a coma, like that other woman who got returned. And that feels a bit false for her character.<br /><br />The third "maybe" quibble is the fact that these aliens are far too damn trusting. Consider, if that had been Darcy, not Tori, Jie could have been sedated with her own cylinder before they ever got to chatting about planets. Why is there no military presence? Backup nurse? And does Jie really have the authority to provide a room? As I say, this is only a 'maybe' because perhaps they are that trusting, particularly given their limited experience with Terran women. We don't know enough yet.<br /><br />Incidentally, I wonder if the title of the chapter is a call back to the original 'Star Trek' episode of the same name. ("Why would he put a bag on our captain?")Gregory Taylorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06547180132612659893noreply@blogger.com